FAGS: An Epic Tale of Friendship
by Edtrin
Summary: Written as a stupid story for me an my friends. You won't get the humor. Proceed with caution. WARNING: Explicit language


**Introduction**

Clanta Serita, California, a normal suburban town a bit north of Los Angeles. Like basically everywhere in the United States, it's full of adult Bush-supporters and progressive youths. Your basic citizen of the town are either white conservatives or mexican thugs. But every once in awhile, you find someone who is incredibly out there.

A notable crew of individuals go all around town with each other, a group consisted of niggers, gamers, punk rockers, and transgendered women. They all graduated high school, and a majority of them are freshmen in the local community college. All of them think they are more important and innovative than they really are.

The usual hangout spot for this group of fags are a restaurant known as Everest, a burger joint that hires immigrants and methheads. Whenever the employees see these group of freaks, they quiver with fear, because they know they won't leave for hours.

The group doesn't really have a leader; just a crew of individuals who work off of one another. One of them is a blonde stoner kid named Karl, a normal looking dude who only wears sandals and spends his time working at an italian restaurant. He's a multi-instrumentalist who records his own music, inspired by all those grunge bands from the '90s whose music all sounds the same.

Another standout is Trent, a big hairy guy who always has either a beanie or a hat on his matty head. He tries to wear punk rock shirts to make him look edgy, but his neckbeard gives his reputation away as an incredibly huge weeaboo. It's no secret that he spends 90% of his time watching anime and jacking off, but as long as he thinks nobody knows, it seems to work for his confidence.

The employees are especially fearful of this one beaner, a beaner named Edwin. He's so incredibly skinny that the workers wonder where all the food he eats goes; little do they know that he was born with a birth defect, and his stomach is actually in his head, giving it an unnatural egg-looking shape. He likes to think he's an incredibly talented YouTuber, but the only thing he has to his name are thirty random viewers and JPEG-quality gaming videos.

A stand-out is Jesse, the long haired punk rock kid. He never talks, so little is known about his personality. One thing is for sure: he's always on his phone, so he probably has a girl he cares more about than his loser friends. Nevertheless, he seems to be everyone's favorite in the group, despite his quiet and mysterious nature.

The transgendered girl, Adam Michelle, is also a stand-out in a group of hairy men. Her movies are pretty well-known around the town, and she's also performed countless charity concerts at the community college with the orchestra she was a part of for years. She also gives a majority of her money to charity, so everyone thinks she's an incredibly kind-hearted and loving individual; little do they know that she has a million skeletons in the closet that nobody knows about.

All groups have the typical white kid, and that kid here is Ryan, a guitar player who looks like every other University student with straight A's. He's in a band with Karl, Jesse, and Trent, who think they can make it big. But Ryan's already big. They just don't know it yet.

Groups also have the token nigger, which is the dreadlocked Braxton, a dark skinned and sloppy black man who has little to his personality outside of being good at computers and liking Wingstop. But he's really good at computers. Like, REALLY good.

And the one usually mistaken for a token nigger is the mexican Vince, a rapper who never busts out his rhymes in public. Ever. Not even anyone in the group have heard his verses, except for Braxton. But he gains attention from everyone in the room when he laughs incredibly hard and has trouble breathing.

A typical day for this group of friends involve sitting in that restaurant, reminiscing on nostalgia and talking about memes. That, and arguing. CONSTANT arguing. On this particular day, the argument was getting fairly intense.

"So remember that one invention idea I had?" Edwin said. "About the sprayable barbeque sauce?"

"You mean that shit that wouldn't work?" Ryan said.

"You mean that shit that was absolute GENIUS?" Edwin corrected. "Yes, that one! Well, get this: I have a new idea for an invention."

"Edwin," Karl said. "No matter how many times you try to convince yourself, you can't invent a hat that will fit your head properly." Vince laughed out loud, an ear-piercing Elmo laugh. Everyone in the restaurant looked over at their table.

"SHUTTHEFUCKUP," Trent said in one loud burst. "Pardon me, Edwin. What was your idea?"

"Okay, get this," Edwin said. He put his hands out as if he were about to explain something amazing. Everyone was looking at him, waiting for him to say something. He was just looking at them.

"SAY SOMETHING FAGGOT," Vince said.

"Okay, get this," Edwin continued. "An underwater candle."

Everyone was quiet. "That's the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard," Ryan said.

"Actually," Trent said. "It could work."

"You're wrong," Karl said. "It's scientifically proven that water puts out fire. That's it, no exceptions."

"Nooo," Trent said. "It could work."

Ryan shook his head. "Nigga, you can't be serious."

"Oh, I am!" Trent said.

"huh huh," Braxton said suddenly. "ay Vince." He held his phone over to Vince, who let out a loud kek.

"It won't work," Karl said, continuing the argument.

"No see," Trent explained. "If you put the candle in a case of glass, you could light it underwater."

"But Edwin means lighting it and just having it run in open water," Ryan said.

"No he doesn't, I know what Edwin means," Trent said, looking over to Edwin. "Right, Edboy?"

"Yeah, sure," Edwin replied, texting something on his phone.

"Well what's the point of that?" Ryan said.

"So you can see underwater," Trent said.

"What about pool lights?" Karl said.

"Well these are candles," Trent said. "Different then pool lights. Fact."

Adam got a text, and she looked down at her phone. It was from Edwin.

"I know it's a shitty idea," the text said.

Adam looked up biting her lip, so she wouldn't laugh, and shook her head at Edwin, who was giving a knowing smile and putting one finger up to his mouth, telling her to be quiet.

"But why would I buy an underwater candle when I can buy pool lights?" Ryan asked. "Which gives a lot more light than a candle."

"Because candles are classy, Ryan," Trent responded.

Ryan looked at Trent, stupefied. "You're an idiot, Trent."

"You're not wrong."

They talked for a little while longer, and once it was 4:00, they all decided to leave and go their own ways for the weekend.

"Later faggots," Trent said, and walked with Ryan to his car.

"See ya," Adam said.

"Yo, can I get a ride?" Edwin asked her.

"Yeah, no problem."

Vince went with Braxton as usual, and Jesse went with Karl.

 **Chapter 1: Jesse and Karl's Professional Cookery**

Jesse and Karl got into Karl's van.

"We cooking tonight?" Karl asked.

"I'm down," Jesse replied.

"Okay." Karl looked up at the sky, examining it. "I think it's too bright out right now. We should wait an hour or two."

"Alright," Jesse said.

Karl drove them to the top of a hill somewhere down Placerita Canyon, a country-like road that had no houses nearby. The occasional car would pass, but for the most part, they were alone.

Jesse and Karl stood at the side of a cliff, smoking pot and, in Karl's case, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon.

"Jesse?" Karl asked, after a couple of minutes.

"Yo," Jesse said, texting his girlfriend on his phone.

"Have I ever told you I loved you?"

"All the time."

"Well," Karl said. "I love you."

"Love you too, man."

"Honestly," Karl said. "Like, my true self is comin' out to tell you that you're my favorite person. I'm crying because I love you so much." Karl slumped to the floor and weeped.

"Get it together," Jesse said. "We have a job to do."

"Yeah," Karl said. "Yeah, I guess you're right." He got to his feet and looked out at the horizon. The sun was beginning to set. "What time is it?"

Jesse looked at his phone. "5:45."

"Okay," Karl said. "Let's get going."

Karl got back in the car, and Jesse buckled his seat belt. They found an abandoned building in the middle of a field that nobody had used for a decade. They checked everyday for two years and never saw anybody using it for anything, so they decided it was the perfect place to make some money.

About a year before, they moved Easy Bake ovens and various bowls and cooking utensils into the building. They've been using it to make pot brownies, and selling them to Clanta Serita's youth for an insane amount. But at the time, there were no other drug dealers, so Jesse and Karl were running off of a monopoly.

When they got into the building, they strapped on gas masks and aprons. They looked at each other and simultaneously nodded. Jesse prepared the bowls and utensils while Karl put on some music. Karl was in charge of providing the marijuana, and Jesse was in charge of making the brownies.

Karl rolled the marijuana leaves like a burrito and began to chop them up. Jesse emptied the brownie mix into a bowl and stirred it in with some milk. Karl cracked two eggs and mixed them with the leaves. He then poured it into the brownie mix.

Jesse stirred it up a bit and then it was ready. Karl spread it out onto a tray and Jesse started the Easy Bake Oven. The oven was ready and Karl put the tray inside.

"Alright," Karl said. "20 minutes and they should be done."

"Cool," Jesse said. They took off their gas masks, sat around and chilled, waiting for the brownies to finished. But they didn't smell like they usually do.

Jesse sniffed, and noticed it was weird. "Karl," he asked. "Did you remember to change the lightbulb from last week?"

"No," Karl said, rolling a joint.

Jesse looked at him in a panic. "Dude, we gotta get out of here!"

"Nigga, it's a joke!" Karl was quiet for a second rolling his doobie. "I think."

Jesse quickly looked back at the over; the lightbulb was bright red. He looked at Karl, who was beginning to take out his lighter. Jesse yelled "NO" and ran towards Karl, body tackling him out of the building. However, Karl was able to start the lighter, and the entire building blew up into a bright yellow explosion.

Luckily, they weren't hurt. They jumped to their feet and looked at what they did.

"HOOOOOW?!" Karl asked.

"What, you think a light bulb could really cook pastries? No!" Jesse yelled. "Easy Bake Oven's run off of gas! Now we're fucked!"

"Hold up, I have a fire extinguisher in the trunk!" Karl ran to the van and started digging. Jesse didn't know what to do but stand there, looking back and forth at the fire and Karl.

"What's taking so damn long?" Jesse yelled.

"I can't find it!"

Jesse shook his head, and began to panic. The flame was incredibly hot, and it smelled like pot. Then he heard sirens.  
"Karl!" he yelled. "Cops! Start the car!"

"BI GAWD," Karl yelled, and jumped in the driver's seat, starting the engine. Jesse hopped in the trunk, slammed it, and the two took off.

The closest place they knew they could hide was their friend Austin's house. Jesse rang him up, and Austin reluctantly said they could come over.

They pulled up to Austin's large white-picket fence house, and rang the doorbell.

Austin opened the door. "Wook, I towld you gwuys that the pwot thing wasn't a gwood idea."

"Shut up, Austin," Karl said, pushing passed him. "Now's not the time."

Jesse greeted Austin with a high five, and followed Karl. They walked into the living room, and grabbed a seat on the couch. Nascar was on.

"Austin, do you ever watch anything but Nascar?" Karl asked.

"Hey, it's weally gwood," Austin said. "You gwuys want anything to dwink?"

"Water, please," Jesse said.

"Beer," Karl said.

They sat down with their drinks, exasperated. Jesse went outside and saw the flames were dying out, but the smell of pot was flooding the air.

"I think we ruined the atmosphere around here, Karl," Jesse said.

"Nah, we're fine," Karl said. "Just give it a few days."

"My pawents will be weally upset if they fouwnd out you and Jesse fwooded the aiwr with mariwana, Kawl," Austin said.

"Relax, dude," Karl responded. "Give it twenty-four hours and the smell will disappear."

Jesse walked back to the couch and sat down. Karl took a drink of his beer, and Austin sat quietly in his chair.

All of a sudden, the Nascar race was interrupted by Breaking News.

"We're live in Washington D.C.," the news reporter said. "Where apparently the White House has completely broken out into flames."

"Oh shit," Karl said.

"Tuwn in up," Austin said to Jesse, who grabbed the controller and turned up the TV.

"We don't know anything yet," the reporter continued. "Except that President Bobama and his family have made it out safely."

"Fuck," Karl said. "I wonder who it was."

"Pwobablwy ISIS," Austin replied.

Jesse shook his head.

Karl went home and everything was normal for him, but Jesse was more worried. He knew him and Karl fucked up really bad, and that the smell wouldn't leave Placerita for a couple of weeks.

The next day at work, Karl's boss rounded up all the employees before opening.

"Okay," she said. "Apparently, yesterday, a marijuana factory exploded down Placerita Canyon."

Everyone was in shock talking about it to one another, except for Karl, who was standing still and began to panic.

"Hence," the boss continued. "The executive offices of Clanta Serita have asked all employers to drug test their employees to find the culprits responsible for what happened. I trust it wasn't any of you, but hey, rules are rules."

Karl knew he was fucked, and rubbed his face. Everyone was given a cup, and were asked to urinate in it and have it in her office by the end of the day.

Meanwhile, Jesse had Environmental Science class. He sat in the back corner and quietly listened.

"As you probably know," the teacher said to her class. "Last night there was a major explosion down Placerita Canyon involving a marijuana factory."

Jesse looked down at his desk to avoid eye contact with the teacher. He mouthed "fuck" to himself.

"This disaster," she continued. "Was so harmful to the environment that many animals around the area were instantly killed, and some elderly people were sent to the hospital."

Jesse shook his head and put his hands on his head.

"Clanta Serita Sheriffs are looking all over the city for the culprits, and we hope they find whoever did this and give them justice. Now, open your books to page 364."

The students did so, but Jesse was in sort of a trance, not knowing what to do. He heard the teacher lecture, but everything she said was going in one of his ears and exiting the other.

"Mr. C****z," she said. Jesse looked up. "Mr. C****z, where's your book?"

"Oh," Jesse said. He looked in his backpack and took it out. "I'm sorry."

She nodded, and continued lecturing. Jesse leaned to the person next to him. "What page are we on?" he asked.

"420," Jesse heard.

"What?" he asked.

"364," the kid said.

Jesse sighed. "Thanks." He opened his book and stared at the pages. When class ended, Jesse hurried out of there and went home, waiting for Karl to be finished at work.

Karl worked as usual, thinking about how he was going to get himself out of this mess. He ran dishes back and forth, from the empty tables to the kitchen, and while he was cleaning up one table later in the day, he overheard a conversation behind him.

"Hey," a man said. Karl turned around, and it was a handicapped elderly man talking to his assistant. Karl went back to work. "I have to use the bathroom."

Karl stopped and listened.

"Okay, sir," the assistant said, and wheelchaired him to the bathroom. Karl quietly followed, and saw them enter the big stall in the men's restroom. He went to the kitchen and talked to one of the employees.

"Where's the wrench at?" he asked. "Some fatass clogged the toilet in the men's room and I have to get into the pipes." The employee opened the janitor's closet for Karl, and gave him the wrench.

Karl went back in the bathroom, and they were still in the big stall. He walked over to the one next to them, and quietly waited. After about five minutes, they were finished and left. Karl got out of the stall, made sure nobody else was in the bathroom, and walked into the big stall where they were. He took out the cup that he needed to drug test in, and began to unscrew to pipe behind the toilet. Water and piss sprayed everywhere, but he got enough into the cup, and screwed the pipe back shut. "Yuck," he said quietly to himself.

He turned in his sample to his boss, and went back to work. When he got out of the office, he saw Adam walking towards the exit.

"Adam, hey!" he said.

"Not now," she replied. She left, and confused, Karl, looked back inside the restaurant. He saw Edwin and a sheep leaving their table; Karl decided to just not question it.

At home, Jesse sat quietly in his room and thought to himself. He texted Karl to call him when he gets off of work, but his shift didn't end for another hour. He tried to distract himself by going on Reddit, but nothing worked. He was too concerned about what happened the day before.

Finally, Karl called Jesse.

"What the fuck are we going to do?" Jesse asked. "News about the explosion are going all over the city."

"I know," Karl said. "They gave us a drug test this morning."

"Shit," Jesse said.

"Don't worry, I found a way around it, so we should be fine."

"Karl, I think we should just turn ourselves in."

"Twatwatwatwat?" Karl said, shocked.

"I mean, it's the honest thing to do."

"No, fuck that. I'll be screwed."

"Yeah, I will too, but I think it will be better for us in the long run."

Karl was quiet for a minute.

"No," he finally said. "Let's just remain quiet. They'll eventually find someone more obvious than us."

Jesse sighed. "I dunno, dude."

"Trust me," Karl said. "Just lay low. We'll be good."

"Alright, whatever," Jesse said, and hung up. He lied on his bed, and stared at the ceiling. For whatever reason, the best thing he thought to do was to call Adam, and see what she thought. Jesse took out his phone, and called her.

At her house, Adam was quietly sitting in the corner of her room, panicking. Her phone rang, and she answered.

"Hello?" she said in a panicked state.

"Adam, yo," Jesse said.

"Oh," she said with relief. "It's just you, Jesse."

"Yeye. Hey, you have a minute?"

"Uhm… yeah, yeah I do. What's up?"

"I need to talk."

"Alright, do you want me to come over?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay," she said. "I'll be right there."

"Thanks. See you in a second," Jesse said, and hung up. Adam leaned her head against the wall, sighed a long sigh, and got up. She wiped all the blood off of her arm, and walked to Jesse's.

She knocked on his door, and he let her in.

"Want something to drink?" he asked her.

"No thanks, I'm fine," she said, and sat down. "What's up?"

"You heard about the explosion, right?"

"The one at the White House last night?"

"No no no," Jesse said. "The pot factory. Down Placerita."

"Oh that, yeah. What about it?"

"That was me and Karl."

"Oh shit," Adam said. "Are you guys okay?"

"Physically, yeah," Jesse said, and sat at the chair perpendicular to her. "But mentally, I'm stuck."

"Yeah, I get what you mean," she said.

"What happened to you?"

"We'll get to that. But what are you gonna do? You know you guys will be fucked if anyone finds out."

"Yeah, I know," Jesse said.

"Honestly, I think you should turn yourself in," Adam said.

"That's what I thought! But Karl's being all weird about that."

"Well obviously," Adam said. "Either way, you'll get in trouble, but at least here you're being honest."

"I guess you're right," Jesse said. They both thought for a second.

"Tell you what," Adam said. "I'll go with you to the police station and we'll both turn ourselves in."

"What do you need to be turned in for?"

"We'll talk about it on the way there. Come on." They got up, and Adam pulled out her keys. They drove to the police station."

Adam explained what happened to her in the car.

"Holy shit," Jesse said. "We're both fucked."

"I know," Adam said. "At least we'll be in trouble together."

"Can't you use the self defense argument?"

"I guess I could," she said. "But still, it was really brutal. I'd feel too guilty to be out because of it, anyway."

They pulled up to the police station and got out of the car. They sighed, looked at each other, and gave a nervous smile. They walked in and approached the front desk.

"Jesse, Adam!" they heard, and looked to the corner. Inside the holding cell, Trent and Edwin were in jumpsuits waving at them.

"Trent, Edwin!" Adam said. "What happened?"

"Well," Trent said. "I've been in here since early this morning. Edwin got here at, like, one. But in my defense, it's not my fault I'm here, unlike Edfag here."

"Fuck you, Trent," Edwin said. "Yo, Adam, be a buddy and bail me out."

"I can't bail you out, Edwin," Adam said. "I'm turning myself in."

"What the fuck did you do?" Edwin asked.

"Long story, but me and Jesse both did wrong things and we're paying consequences."

Jesse nodded.

Adam was able to use self-defense, and therefore, wasn't sentenced, but Jesse was. Adam stood outside the cell where three of his friends were locked up.

"Don't worry, guys," she said. "I'll do whatever I can to get you out."

"Well hurry up," Edwin said. "I know what goes on in jail."

Trent put his hand on Edwin's shoulder. Edwin quickly turned his head to him. Trent said: "Nigga, it's a joke!"

"Okay, so Edwin's on bail $200, Trent for $50, and Jesse for $1,000," Adam said. "Maybe I can get help from Ryan to get you out."  
"Just don't take too long," Edwin said.

"Take your time," Trent said.

Jesse nodded in agreement with Trent.

Adam left the police station and called Karl, who said he was home. Adam rushed across town and walked up to Karl's front door.

Karl answered, holding a beer.

"Well, I hope you're happy," Adam said.

"Happy about what?" Karl asked.

"Your best friend Jesse? He's on bail for a grand because of what you idiots did."

"They got him?!" Karl asked, scared.

"No, he turned himself in," Adam said. "And I would recommend you do, too, or else you'll be in worse trouble than he is."

Karl was quiet. "Yo, my parents will be pissed."

"Look, if you turn yourself in now, you'll be put on the same bail as Jesse. I'll work with Ryan to try and get all of you out."

Karl sighed. "Okay, fine."

"You'll be fine, dude. I'll see you tomorrow."

They both left the house, and Karl got in his car. He sighed, turned on some music, and drove across town to the police station.

He entered, looked over at the holding cell and saw Trent, Edwin, and Jesse standing in it. He didn't expect to see Trent and Edwin in there, so he gave them a confused greeting, and turned himself in.

"Karl T****r, I hereby sentence you to a night in jail with a bail of $1,000," the police commissioner said. "You better hope somebody can get you out of here by tomorrow or else you're fucked."

"I know, officer," Karl said. He was placed in the cell with his friends. He looked at Trent, Edwin, and then Jesse.

"Hi, Jesse," he said.

"Hi, Karl."

"Yo, my dick itches," Edwin said. They all looked at him, and took a step back.

 **Chapter 2: Edwin the Animal Lover**

"Later faggots," Trent said, and walked with Ryan to his car.

"See ya," Adam said.

"Yo, can I get a ride?" Edwin asked her.

"Yeah, no problem."

Vince went with Braxton as usual, and Jesse went with Karl.

Adam got into her car, and Edwin got in next to her. They chatted about the usual stupid shit on the way to Edwin's house, and Edwin got out dying about this hilarious joke Adam told him.

"Alright, see ya," Edwin said.

"Bye," Adam replied, and drove off.

Edwin got in his house, greeted his dog, and ran upstairs to his room. He closed the door, locked it, and got on his computer.

He googled "beastiality porn" and went to his favorite website, rubbing his cock through his pants. When he found the best video, he furiously jerked it and climaxed. He looked at himself in the mirror, gave himself a thumbs up, and said "GG."

He leaned back, let out a sigh, and looked back at the screen. Then he noticed something on the corner, a popup add next to the video. It had pictures of sheep and dogs and said "Need to let out your sexual urges? Call Old McDonald at 1-800-EIEIO."

Edwin was incredibly skeptical, but suddenly felt horny all over again. He was ready to just give himself to these girls who liked him that he thought were disgusting, but something about this ad just seemed right.

He pulled out his phone and dialed the number. A hick answered the phone.

"Old McDonald, at your service!" it said.

"Hi," Edwin said. "I heard you were offering services."

"The best kind, my friend. Do you have $500?"

"Well…" Edwin said. "All I have is my Financial Aid, but I need that for my educa-"

"Works for me!" the voice interrupted. "I'll send you an address. Be there at 7:00 on the dot!"

"I GOTCHA," Edwin said, and Old McDonald hung up. He got the address, which was down Sand Canyon near Placerita. Edwin thought it was a bad idea, but went for it anyway because YOLO. He spent the next hour playing Minecraft before driving to the address.

He pulled up to some ranch house. It was dark and there weren't any streetlights. Edwin was now getting really sketchy, but approached the house anyway. Then, he heard sirens.

"Fuck," Edwin said to himself, thinking he got set up. He turned around, raised his arms, but the cops and firefighters drove passed him, towards Placerita. He shrugged, and went to the door.

An older white guy answered. "Yello!" he said.

"Uhm, hey," Edwin said. "You McDonald?"

"That's my name! Come on in!"

Edwin walked in and sat on his couch, next to a Confederate Flag pillow.

"You didn't sound like a nigger on the phone," Old McDonald said.

"Well, I'm not a nigger," Edwin said back. "I'm Mexican."

"Eh, just as bad." McDonald sat next to him with a bottle of bourbon. "So, what strikes your interest?"

Edwin felt really sketchy talking to this guy. "You're not giving me a kid, are you? None of that child porn shit, right?"

"No, no," McDonald said. "Better than kids. Come on, just tell me, what do you like?"

Edwin stared at this guy. "Riiiiight," he said. "Well… I'm actually a virgin, so-"

"Say no more," McDonald said. "Follow me."

McDonald got up and led Edwin outback, where there were tons of horses, goats, sheep, dogs, any kind of animal you could think of, just wandering around eating.

Edwin now felt really sketchy, and was getting ready to back out of the deal.

"Now," McDonald said. "This is Dolly." He pointed to a sheep.

"Whoa, whoa, dude," Edwin said. "I mean, I appreciate the offer and all, but I can't fuck an animal."

"Well, sonny," McDonald said. "Why you watching animals get fucked if you don't want to fuck one?"

"Well, I mean…" Edwin struggled for an answer. "It's just a phase."

"It's never just a phase! Once an animal lover, always an animal lover. $500 for the sheep!"

"I'm really not interested, thanks."

"Come on, son," McDonald said. "You won't regret it."

"Really, this is fucked." Edwin began to back up, slowly.

"Nah, you'll love it," McDonald said.

"Seriously, dude fuck off-" he suddenly sniffed and smelled a strong scent of marijuana. "Is that… pot?

McDonald sniffed, and looked behind him. His animals began to collapse.

"NO!" McDonald yelled, and catered to his animals. Edwin turned around to beat it, but looked back at Dolly, who was panicking and baaa-ing at all her animal friends dying in front of her. He felt horrible, snatched her up and ran to his car with her.

He put her in the passenger seat and drove back home. When he pulled up to his house, he thought about what he did and looked at Dolly.

"What the fuck am I going to do with a fucking sheep?" he said outloud. He looked around the car, and saw his dog's leash in the backseat. So he strapped it to Dolly and brought her inside.

Edwin's family was sitting at the table for dinner. He rushed passed them with the sheep; they didn't see him.

"Edwin!" his mom said. "I made some spaghetti!"

"That's great, mom," Edwin said. "But I'm not hungry. I'm just gonna go upstairs."

"But Edwin," his sister said. "I thought you loved mom's spaghetti!"

"I do, I love mom's spaghetti! Mom's spaghetti is my favorite food. I'm just…" he thought. "I'm not feeling well and I just want to go lie down."

He was struggling to get Dolly upstairs. His dog, Lucy, came over and was barking furiously at the sheep.

"Lucy," Edwin muttered. "Fuck off."

He was halfway up the stairs.

"Okay, well," his mom said. "I'll put the leftovers in the fridge."

"Thanks," Edwin said, and furiously pulled at Dolly. He finally got her into his room and locked the door. He sat on the bed for an hour and stared at her. They did nothing but look at each other.

"Well now what?" Edwin said. Dolly just looked at him. Edwin stared at her. "Fuck this!" He turned on his Playstation and began playing Minecraft. The sheep kept walking over to his hand and pushing it with her snout. He would ignore her until one instance where she rested her face on her crotch.

"Will you kindly fuck off?" Edwin said, and pushed her away. He continued playing, until she completely knocked the controller out of his hands and pushed him against the bed, licking his face. Edwin struggled for air, and couldn't push this animal off of him. He'd occasionally be able to yell "AYYY" every couple of seconds, but couldn't get this animal off of him with his hands. He rolled his legs up near his chest, and pushed the sheep off with his feet. It looked at him, and he looked at it.

"Fucking bitch," he said.

That night, Edwin was lying in bed, and the sheep was on his floor. He stared at the ceiling, closed his eyes, and thought about Lauren Bacall. He began to slowly stroke his cock at the thought of her, but then he opened his eyes and saw the sheep on top of him.

"Will. You. Fuck. Off?" he said to it, and pushed Dolly onto the floor. He then noticed how soft she was. He got up and went to his bedroom door. He looked outside to make sure his parents were asleep; they were.

He closed his door, locked it, and sat down on his bed. The sheep climbed up next to him. He looked at it, and then got up and pushed her into the bed, thrusting himself into her. She began to baaa but he cupped his hand over her mouth.

Finally, he came, a laid on his back. "Bruh," he said. It was the most amazing experience of his life. The sheep laid next to him, and fell asleep.

Edwin felt like he was a total badass now, but then he realized that he lost his virginity to a sheep. The shock flew through his head, and not knowing what to do, he called Trent.

Trent was standing in the corner at the party, looking at all the levels of cringe surrounding him. Suddenly his phone began to ring.

"Fuck, it's Edwin," he said, and hurried outside so Edwin couldn't hear what was going on around him. He got out there, and answered. "Hullo?"

"Trent," Edwin said. "I just fucked a sheep."

Trent was quiet on the other line for a good thirty seconds, then he just hung up. Edwin looked over at his new partner next to him, laid down, and fell asleep.

The next morning, his parents were at work, and his sister was a school. Throughout the day, Edwin fucked the sheep. As soon as he finished, he'd just start again. He felt like a new sensation took over his body, something he never experienced before. He felt full of joy, like every single one of his questions had been answered. He didn't know what this experience was, but he knew who would: Adam.

Edwin was lying in bed with Dolly next to him, the sun shining through the blinds onto them. He pulled out his phone and called Adam.

Adam finally got home, and sat on her bed. Her mascara was running down her face, and she was out of breath, not knowing what to do next. Her phone began to ring, and she screamed. When she saw it was just Edwin, she sighed and answered the phone.

"Yeah?" she said.

"Adam, hey, what's up?"

"Just… just, uhm…"

"Great," Edwin said, interrupting. "Look, I have a question. I met this girl last night and I fucked her. I fucked her all night and I've been fucking her all day. I have this new feeling inside me, like, I'm just happy. Is this… love?"

"Uhm…" Adam said. "Yeah, sure. It's love."

"Oh yes! It finally happened!"

"Great. Listen, hey, I gotta go."

"Yo, let's grab lunch."

"Lunch?"

"Yeah, let's go to that place Karl works at!" Edwin exclaimed.

"I really don't-"

"I'll pay."

"Edwin, I-"

"See you at noon!" and Edwin hung up. He looked over at Dolly, gave her a kiss, and fucked her again.

Edwin was so excited, he showed up at the restaurant at 11:45, but he didn't see Karl anywhere. The other employees didn't question why he had a sheep with him; they just gave him a table in the corner of the restaurant.

At noon, Adam wandered in. She looked absolutely exhausted and stressed out.

"AY BUDDY," Edwin yelled when she walked in. She looked towards him, walked over, and sat down.

"Hi, Edwin," she said.

"Adam," Edwin said. "I'd like you to meet my partner, Dolly."

Adam looked at her. "Edwin, that's a sheep."

"So what? If guys can marry guys and girls can marry girls, than I can love this beautiful animal! You're practically a lesbian, anyway! You should understand."

Adam stared at Edwin blankly. She just got up, and left the table.

Karl was in his boss's office handing her his urine sample, and when he left the office, he saw Adam walking towards the exit.

"Adam, hey!" he said.

"Not now," she replied. She left, and confused, Karl, looked back inside the restaurant. He saw Edwin and a sheep leaving their table; Karl decided to just not question it.

Edwin and Dolly got back out to his car, and sat in his backseat.

"I'm so sorry, Dolly," Edwin said to the sheep. "Adam can be a real bitch. I thought she was understanding but apparently I'm the only one who can see the beauty in you." He kissed Dolly. "Come here, you beautiful animal." He turned her around, unzipped his pants, and got on top of her. Things were going great, until he heard a knocking at his window. He slowly turned around and saw a cop standing there, watching him. Edwin knew he was fucked.

The cop arrested him and brought him back to the police station, leaving Dolly at the restaurant. The officer put Edwin on bail for $200, and threw him in the holding cell.

He grabbed the bars and yelled. "What about my sheep? What are you going to do with my sheep?!"

"Edwin, yo," a voice said behind him.

Edwin turned around and saw Trent. "Oh. Hey."

"Did you really fuck a sheep?"

Edwin was quiet. "Yeah."

"What the fuck, dude."

"What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Oh shit," Trent said. "It's a long story, dude."

A couple of hours passed. Trent and Edwin both told their stories, and sat in the cell waiting for something, anything to happen. Suddenly, Trent saw Jesse and Adam walk into the police station.

"Jesse, Adam!" he yelled. They looked over at the cell, and Trent and Edwin waved at them.

"Trent, Edwin!" Adam said. "What happened?"

"Well," Trent said. "I've been in here since early this morning. Edwin got here at, like, one. But in my defense, it's not my fault I'm here, unlike Edfag here."

"Fuck you, Trent," Edwin said. "Yo, Adam, be a buddy and bail me out."

"I can't bail you out, Edwin," Adam said. "I'm turning myself in."

"What the fuck did you do?" Edwin asked.

"Long story, but me and Jesse both did wrong things and we're paying consequences."

Jesse nodded.

Adam was able to use self-defense, and therefore, wasn't sentenced, but Jesse was. Adam stood outside the cell where three of his friends were locked up.

"Don't worry, guys," she said. "I'll do whatever I can to get you out."

"Well hurry up," Edwin said. "I know what goes on in jail."

Trent put his hand on Edwin's shoulder. Edwin quickly turned his head to him. Trent said: "Nigga, it's a joke!"

"Okay, so Edwin's on bail $200, Trent for $50, and Jesse for $1,000," Adam said. "Maybe I can get help from Ryan to get you out."  
"Just don't take too long," Edwin said.

"Take your time," Trent said.

Jesse nodded in agreement with Trent. Adam left the police station.

Jesse turned to Edwin. "Why are you here?"

"This nigga fucked a sheep," Trent said.

"What the fuck?" Jesse said.

"It's true love!" Edwin said.

"This nigga bought him from some pimp who sold off animals for sex," Trent said.

"What the fuck?" Jesse said.

"I didn't buy her; I stole her because the pot smell was killing the animals," Edwin replied.

"Fuck!" Jesse said. "That's why I'm here!"

"Wait, really?" Edwin asked.

"Yeah," Jesse said. "Me and Karl were running a pot factory at the abandoned building for the last year or so, and things went wrong and we accidentally blew it up last night."

Edwin filled with rage, and he body tackled Jesse.

"I'll kill you, you motherfucker!" he yelled.

"What the fuck?" Jesse yelled, and pushed him off.

"You almost killed my sheep!"

"Nigga," Trent said. "You didn't even know her yet. Relax, buddy."

Edwin looked at him, and got up.

"Sorry," Edwin muttered.

"Whatever," Jesse said. "Trent, why are you here?"

Trent explained his story to Jesse. A little while later, they saw Karl enter the police station. Karl immediately looked over at the cell, and didn't expect to see Trent and Edwin, so he gave them a confused smile.

"That nigga better be turning himself in," Jesse said.

Karl came out a few minutes later, and was put in the cell with his friends. He looked at Trent, Edwin, and then Jesse.

"Hi, Jesse," he said.

"Hi, Karl."

"Yo, my dick itches," Edwin said. They all looked at him, and took a step back.

 **Chapter 3: Michelle Fitzgerald, The Starlet of Sunset Boulevard**

"Later faggots," Trent said, and walked with Ryan to his car.

"See ya," Adam said.

"Yo, can I get a ride?" Edwin asked her.

"Yeah, no problem."

Vince went with Braxton as usual, and Jesse went with Karl.

Adam got into her car, and Edwin got in next to her. They chatted about the usual stupid shit on the way to Edwin's house, and Edwin got out dying about this hilarious joke Adam told him.

"Alright, see ya," Edwin said.

"Bye," Adam replied, and drove off. Adam pulled onto the freeway, and got herself down to Hollywood, where she was acting in an indie movie for some extra money. She played the girlfriend of the main actress, played by Jarlett Scohansson.

Adam got to the studio, and immediately went to make-up, where they did her up and got her in her clothes. They were actually on the final day of shooting, and there was a big party going on afterwards.

Her and Jarlett were embracing onset in front of the backdrop, which was sort of a rainy city. This was the final dramatic scene where the two lovers leave each other forever.

"Okay, Michelle, Jarlett," director Nistopher Colan said to them. "You two look beautiful. Now, remember, lots of emotion, I want tears to be in the audience's eyes. Can you do that?"

"You know we can," Jarlett said. Adam just nodded her head.

"Fantastic!" Colan sat down in his chair. "Lights!" The soundstage became dark for a second, then purple tinted lights shined down on the actresses. "Roll camera!" Colan commanded.

"Camera rolling," the cinematographer said.

"Roll sound!" Colan yelled.

"Sound rolling," the mic operator yelled back.

"And action!"

"Oh, Charlotte!" Jarlett said to Adam, addressing her as her character. "I'm sorry it all had to come down to this! I'm sorry my parents don't want us together! It's not you, it's not me, it's them!"

"Rebecca," Adam said, acting her part. "It's nobody's fault. Sometimes hearts have to be broken for lives to improve."

Jarlett put her hand on Adam's cheek. "I'll never forget you!"

"I won't leave you," Adam said. "I'll be right here." She put her hand on Jarlett's breast, indicating her heart. The two passionately kissed in the rain, and Jarlett walked offscreen. Adam watched her leave.

"Annnnd cut!" Colan yelled offscreen. The studio lights came on. Adam looked out at the crew. Everyone in the house was in tears, even the director. Jarlett came back up to Adam, grabbed her hand, and they both bowed.

"You're such a lovely couple!" Colan said.

"We've been meeting up practicing our lines offset," Jarlett said.

"That was perfect," Colan said. "We'll do one more take for good luck."

The two actresses embraced again, and did their routine one more time.

Afterward, Colan popped a bottle of champagne and celebrated with the crew. Jarlett and Adam sat outside the studio together.

"You really are a great actress," Jarlett said.

"Well," Adam said. "I learn from the best." She wrapped her arms around Jarlett and the two kissed.

"I know a great place on Sunset," Jarlett whispered. "We should go, you and me."

"What about the rest of the crew?" Adam asked.

"We'll see them at the premier," Jarlett said, and kissed Adam again.

"I'll meet you there," Adam said, and walked towards her car.

"Wait," Jarlett said. "I'll drive you. My ferrari has to be much nicer than… whatever you're driving."

"If you say so." Adam and Jarlett walked out to her car, a sexy red ferrari. Jarlett got in the backseat. "What are you doing back there?" Adam asked her.

"Just be quiet cutie and get in here," Jarlett responded.

"You know, I didn't bring any protection," Adam said.

Jarlett laughed. "Fuck protection." Her leg reached out around Adam's neck, and she pulled her in and closed the door.

After that episode, Jarlett drove Adam down to an indie rock club on Sunset Boulevard, the Sufjan Soundstage, where a local group called The Absolute Madmen were performing.

"Sufjan Soundstage, huh?" Adam said.

"Yep," Jarlett said. "Perfect for individuals like you. Come on." Jarlett walked passed Adam, who slapped her butt when she passed. They entered the building, and grabbed a table in the back to avoid paparazzi. They listened to the music, which was really grooving and the guitarist was incredible.

"Damn, that guitar player is awesome," Adam said. "I wanna go see who it is."

She began to get up, but Jarlett grabbed her arm. "No, wait," she said. "You're staying here with me."

Adam smiled at her. "If you say so." She sat down and kissed her new partner. "So tell me," Adam said. "You're the most beautiful woman in Hollywood. Why do you pick to see a transgendered weirdo like me?"

"Well," Jarlett said, running her fingers through her hair. "I guess it's because you're just so… so…"

All of a sudden, Adam's phone began to ring. She looked down and saw that it was Vince calling her.

"Oh, hold that thought," she said to Jarlett, looking at her phone. "I should take this." Adam looked up at her. "I won't be too long." They kissed. Adam left the table, and Jarlett sighed at Adam's beauty.

When Adam got outside, she answered the phone. "Hey, Vince, what's up?"

"ADAM!" he said. "YO YO YO, LONG STORY SHORT, BUT I'M IN REAL DEEP SHIT MAN LIKE REAL DEEP SHIT OH MY GOD MAN DEEP SHIT I SWEAR SHIT."

"Whoa whoa whoa, Vince," Adam said. "Slow down. Tell me what happened."

"ALRIGHT WELL ME AND BRAXTON CAME OUT TO WASHINGTON D.C. MAN SHIT'S REALLY COOL AND ALL BUT I FUCKED UP AND RAPPED TOO GOOD AND NOW THE WHITE HOUSE IS ON FIRE."

"The White House is on fire!?" Adam yelled. Just then, the Sufjan Soundstage blew up behind her. The windows showered glass all over the place and Adam dropped to the floor, covering her head. She slowly looked up and saw the entire building burst into flames. Some people were escaping out the back, one of them on fire.

Panicking, Adam ran into the building, looking for Jarlett. She called out for her but it was too hot and smokey. Adam slowly backed out of the building, and in tears ran down the street with nowhere to go.

She ran a couple of blocks, and collapsed on the floor, on a corner somewhere in Hollywood. She just sat there crying.

"Hey, sweetie," some voice said behind her. "What's wrong with you?"

"Oh nothing," Adam said. "I'll be okay."

"Hey," the voice said. She looked up, and it was some middle aged guy with long hair. "I bet I can help cheer you up."

"Fuck off," Adam said, and got up. She began stomping away.

"Oh come on, baby," the man said. "I'll make everything okay."

He grabbed her hand. "Let go!" she yelled, and yanked it away.

"Just come with me," he said, and grabbed her arm again.

"You fuck off right now!" Adam said, yanking her hand away and pushing him.

He fell to the floor, and looked up at her. "Jesus, lady! You're acting like somebody died or something!"

Adam felt her body fill with anger, and she ran towards the guy, screaming. She kicked his face, which spit a tooth and blood out his mouth, and began stomping his head into the pavement, screaming the whole time. Soon, she jumped on him with two feet on his face, jumping up and down. She fell back against a light post crying, and then realized what she had just done.

She looked at the man's body, and his head was practically gone. A mish mash of pink and red mush. She backed up in shock, and looked around for any security cameras. Luckily, she was in an older part of Sunset, and didn't see any cameras around. She turned the opposite direction and ran.

The rest of the night, she ran around Hollywood, looking for the studio so she can get her car back and go home. Many bums and night stalkers tried stopping her but she just ran in a panic. It wasn't until about 6 AM when she finally found the studio, and got back in her car.

She sat in the driver's seat, hyperventilating and crying.

"I killed somebody," she said over and over again, burying her face into her hands. She waited for her sanity to come back, and when it finally did, the sun was up and people began to wander the studio, going to work. She looked in the rear view mirror and her make-up was smeared down her face and her eyes were bright red. She started the car, slowly pulled out of the studio, and had a quiet drive home.

Adam finally got home, and sat on her bed. Her mascara was running down her face, and she was out of breath, not knowing what to do next. Her phone began to ring, and she screamed. When she saw it was just Edwin, she sighed and answered the phone.

"Yeah?" she said.

"Adam, hey, what's up?" Edwin said.

"Just… just, uhm…"

"Great," Edwin said, interrupting. "Look, I have a question. I met this girl last night and I fucked her. I fucked her all night and I've been fucking her all day. I have this new feeling inside me, like, I'm just happy. Is this… love?"

"Uhm…" Adam said. "Yeah, sure. It's love."

"Oh yes! It finally happened!"

"Great. Listen, hey, I gotta go."

"Yo, let's grab lunch."

"Lunch?"

"Yeah, let's go to that place Karl works at!" Edwin exclaimed.

"I really don't-"

"I'll pay."

"Edwin, I-"

"See you at noon!" and Edwin hung up. Adam sighed, looked at her phone, and threw it to the floor.

"Fuck head," she said to herself. She lied on her back, then back to her feet, fixed herself up, and drove to the restaurant.

Adam got to the restaurant at noon. She looked absolutely exhausted and stressed out.

"AY BUDDY," Edwin yelled when she walked in. She looked over, walked over, and sat down.

"Hi, Edwin," she said.

"Adam," Edwin said. "I'd like you to meet my partner, Dolly."

Adam looked at her. "Edwin, that's a sheep."

"So what? If guys can marry guys and girls can marry girls, than I can love this beautiful animal! You're practically a lesbian, anyway! You should understand."

Adam stared at Edwin blankly. She just got up, and left the table.

Karl was in his boss's office handing her his urine sample, and when he left the office, he saw Adam walking towards the exit.

"Adam, hey!" he said.

"Not now," she replied. She left, and confused, Karl, looked back inside the restaurant. He saw Edwin and a sheep leaving their table; Karl decided to just not question it.

Adam got back in her car. She was at a point where she didn't even have enough tears to cry anymore, so she just drove home and buried her face in her bed.

She spent the afternoon listening to Joy Division and cutting her arm. She sat in the corner of her room, silently weeping and grabbing her bloody arm, shimmering back and forth. Suddenly, her phone rang, and she answered.

"Hello?" she said in a panicked state.

"Adam, yo," Jesse said.

"Oh," she said with relief. "It's just you, Jesse."

"Yeye. Hey, you have a minute?"

"Uhm… yeah, yeah I do. What's up?"

"I need to talk."

"Alright, do you want me to come over?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay," she said. "I'll be right over."

"Thanks. See you in a second," Jesse said, and hung up. Adam leaned her head against the wall, sighed a long sigh, and got up. She wiped all the blood off of her arm, and walked to Jesse's.

She knocked on his door, and he let her in.

"Want something to drink?" he asked her.

"No thanks, I'm fine," she said, and sat down. "What's up?"

"You heard about the explosion, right?"

"The one at the White House last night?"

"No no no," Jesse said. "The pot factory. Down Placerita."

"Oh that, yeah. What about it?"

"That was me and Karl."

"Oh shit," Adam said. "Are you guys okay?"

"Physically, yeah," Jesse said, and sat at the chair perpendicular to her. "But mentally, I'm stuck."

"Yeah, I get what you mean," she said.

"What happened to you?"

"We'll get to that. But what are you gonna do? You know you guys will be fucked if anyone finds out."

"Yeah, I know," Jesse said.

"Honestly, I think you should turn yourself in," Adam said.

"That's what I thought! But Karl's being all weird about that."

"Well obviously," Adam said. "Either way, you'll get in trouble, but at least there you're being honest."

"I guess you're right," Jesse said. They both thought for a second.

"Tell you what," Adam said. "I'll go with you to the police station and we'll both turn ourselves in."

"What do you need to be turned in for?"

"We'll talk about it on the way there. Come on." They got up, and Adam pulled out her keys. They drove to the police station."

Adam explained what happened to her in the car.

"Holy shit," Jesse said. "We're both fucked."

"I know," Adam said. "At least we'll be in trouble together."

"Can't you use the self defense argument?"

"I guess I could," she said. "But still, it was really brutal. I'd feel too guilty to be out because of it, anyway."

They pulled up to the police station and got out of the car. They sighed, looked at each other, and gave a nervous smile. They walked in and approached the front desk.

"Jesse, Adam!" they heard, and looked to the corner. Inside the holding cell, Trent and Edwin were in jumpsuits waving at them.

"Trent, Edwin!" Adam said. "What happened?"

"Well," Trent said. "I've been in here since early this morning. Edwin got here at, like, one. But in my defense, it's not my fault I'm here, unlike Edfag here."

"Fuck you, Trent," Edwin said. "Yo, Adam, be a buddy and bail me out."

"I can't bail you out, Edwin," Adam said. "I'm turning myself in."

"What the fuck did you do?" Edwin asked.

"Long story, but me and Jesse both did wrong things and we're paying consequences."

Jesse nodded.

Adam was able to use self-defense, and therefore, wasn't sentenced, but Jesse was. Adam stood outside the cell where three of his friends were locked up.

"Don't worry, guys," she said. "I'll do whatever I can to get you out."

"Well hurry up," Edwin said. "I know what goes on in jail."

Trent put his hand on Edwin's shoulder. Edwin quickly turned his head to him. Trent said: "Nigga, it's a joke!"

"Okay, so Edwin's on bail $200, Trent for $50, and Jesse for $1,000," Adam said. "Maybe I can get help from Ryan to get you out."  
"Just don't take too long," Edwin said.

"Take your time," Trent said.

Jesse nodded in agreement with Trent.

Adam left the police station and called Karl, who said he was home. Adam rushed across town and walked up to Karl's front door.

Karl answered, holding a beer.

"Well, I hope you're happy," Adam said.

"Happy about what?" Karl asked.

"Your best friend Jesse? He's on bail for a grand because of what you idiots did."

"They got him?!" Karl asked, scared.

"No, he turned himself in," Adam said. "And I would recommend you do, too, or else you'll be in worse trouble than he is."

Karl was quiet. "Yo, my parents will be pissed."

"Look, if you turn yourself in now, you'll be put on the same bail as Jesse. I'll work with Ryan to try and get enough to get all of you out."

Karl sighed. "Okay, fine."

"You'll be fine, dude. I'll see you tomorrow."

They both left the house, and Karl got into his car. Adam got into hers, and called Ryan.

"What?" Ryan said on the other line, in a pained tone.

"Ryan, it's Adam," she said.

"You're not hurt, are you?" he asked.

"What? No."

"Well, good. I got half of my body burned off. I knew I shouldn't have done it…"

"Wait," Adam said. "Ryan, what are you talking about?"

"The Sufjan Soundstage," Ryan replied. "I blew it up on accident."

Adam was silent. "You… you did?"

"Yeah," Ryan said. "I'm in some hospital down here in Hollywood."

Adam was silent again. "I'll be right there." She hung up, looked up what the nearest hospital to the Sufjan Soundstage was, and drove down there.

When Adam got there, Ryan was in his hospital bed, half bandaged up.

"What were you doing there?" he said to her. "Nobody was supposed to find out."

"I was on a date," Adam said.

"With who?"

Adam looked at him. "Jarlett Scohansson."

"Stop bullshitting," Ryan said.

"No, I'm serious," Adam said. "I've been working on a secret project without any of you knowing."

"Funny," Ryan said. "I was about to say the same thing." Ryan then went on to tell his story.

After his story, Adam told hers, and they both sat in silence.

"Look," Ryan said. "I didn't see her get out. Maybe she's okay."

"Ppppttt," Adam said, not looking at him.

"I just remember whiteness, and then running, and then collapsing," Ryan explained. "There's hope."

Adam was quiet. "So you want to help me bail out the guys?"

"Well, I would," Ryan said. "But I have to pay off these medical bills, you know?"

Adam glared at him. "How much was your guitar?"

"You're not touching that shit," Ryan said.

"Fine," Adam said. "Then you're done here." Adam grabbed Ryan, unplugged him from the IV, and walked him out of the hospital.

"Nigga, I'm still burnt!" Ryan said.

"You'll be fine."

When they got to her car, Ryan began to peel off his bandages. He just had slightly redder skin.

"You don't even look any different," Adam said.

"You're wrong!" Ryan said. "I'm a monster! A double skinned freak! I'll never be able to-!" then he looked in the mirror and realised he really was fine. "Oh. You're right."

"Let's roll," Adam said, and her and Ryan drove back to the police station in Clanta Serita to rescue their friends.

 **Chapter 4: Trent's Fanboy Adventure**

"Later faggots," Trent said, and walked with Ryan to his car.

"See ya," Adam said.

"Yo, can I get a ride?" Edwin asked her.

"Yeah, no problem."

Vince went with Braxton as usual, and Jesse went with Karl.

"Ayy, bb," Trent said to Ryan when they got inside his car. "Thanks for the lift, friendo."

"Yeah, no problem," Ryan said. Trent grabbed the handle on the roof of the car and the two drove off.

"Thanks buddy," Trent said when the car pulled up to his house.

"Yeye," Ryan said. Trent got out, and Ryan drove off. He walked into his house, threw some pizza bagels in the oven, and threw on some pajama bottoms. He spent the rest of his afternoon watching Wayans Brothers movies and divulging himself with pizza bagels, Dr. Pepper, and actual pizza.

Later that night, he went to his room and sat at his computer, debating on watching anime or browsing 4chan. He decided to pick 4chan.

Coincidentally, he saw that somebody was hosting an Otaku Party at Clanta Serita's bowling alley. He was really hesitant on going, but maybe if he went, he would be more in his league. Most of the other guys in his crew hate anime, so he doesn't really have anybody to talk about it with in detail.

He got up, went to his closet, and pulled out his Naruto outfit he had when he was 10. He squeezed himself inside of it, and put the wig on. Looking at himself in the mirror, he knew he would fit right in, and decided to just go.

He walked down to the bus stop and sat in the front; he thought only niggers got in the back. Across from him was this Mexican lady and a little kid, staring at him.

"Mama, mama," the kid said in a spanish accent.

"Sssshhh, silencio," she said to him quietly. Trent didn't know what that meant, even if he did take three years of Spanish.

When he got to the bowling alley, he stood outside staring at it. Blink-182 was blasting out from it, and white people were walking in and out of the building. Trent realized he made a huge mistake, but figured since he made it this far, he might as well just go for it.

He walked in and saw nothing but a bunch of greasy haired fedora kids dancing in the middle of the room. A bunch of furries were hanging out in the corner. He stood in fear realizing what he had just done to himself.

"Hey," a nasally voice called. Trent looked in the direction of the sound, and one of the fedora kids was looking at him. "Awesome costume, bro!"

"Yeah, thanks," Trent said. "Fucking bitch," he muttered to himself. He looked around for a table for him to just sit at. He grabbed a seat at the pizza bar and just stared straight ahead. A fedora kid walked over to him.

"Hey, man, I love Naruto," he said.

"Great," Trent replied.

"Which is your favorite episode?"

"I don't fucking know."

"Well I remember this one time me and my brother were sitting down and we built a giant Naruto headband in Minecraft. It took us four hours but it looked great."

Trent turned his head towards the kid. "I wanna kill myself."

The kid looked at him, got up, and ran away. Trent looked forward once again and just stared straight.

Suddenly everyone was quiet, and applauding. Trent turned himself around and looked at what all the commotion was. One of the fedora kids was standing on top of a table, bowing.

"Alright, everypony!" he said. Trent cringed and turned himself back around. "We're going to ask some of the artists to come up and explain their work! First up is my good friend, Travis!"

They all applauded and this blonde kid stood up with a piece of paper.

"Which fandom are you?" the fedora kid said.

"Well, I like them all, but I'm mostly a brony," Travis said.

They all applauded, and Trent lowered his face into his arm.

"What's your artwork?" the fedora kid said.

"Well, as you can see," Travis continued. "I drew a picture tribute to September 11th."

"Oh my god," Trent muffled into his arm.

"And I thought it would be really appropriate to make ponies in firefighter outfits going up and helping the poor victims who lost their life that day."

Trent shook his head in his arm and groaned. Everyone else applauded.

"Any comments?" the fedora kid asked.

One kid raised his hand, and Travis pointed at him.

"Well," the kid said. "I've been watching 9/11 documentaries for three days now and I can't help but imagine my own OC pony as well as other ponies trying to save all those poor victims of the World Trade Center tragedy. What makes it even worse is that people of so many races died that day, like 10 Japanese people. I think it's really inspiring that you drew that, and putting Applejack in a firefighter's uniform touched me greatly and reminded me of all those fallen heroes. Thank you so much."

Everyone applauded. Trent raised his head up, then lowered it again. There was no hope. After an hour of art sharing, the music resumed and everyone was dancing. Trent was sore from sitting in that chair so he just stood against a wall, looking at all the levels of cringe surrounding him. Suddenly his phone began to ring.

"Fuck, it's Edwin," he said, and hurried outside so Edwin couldn't hear what was going on around him. He got out there, and answered. "Hullo?"

"Trent," Edwin said. "I just fucked a sheep."

Trent was quiet for a good thirty seconds, then he just hung up. He stared at the floor wondering what the fuck was going on with his life, before a bag was thrown over head and he was dragged somewhere inside the bowling alley.

"Who the fuck are you?!" Trent yelled. "I don't want to play your shitty games! Let me go!"

He felt himself get pushed up against a wall on the floor, and the bag was pulled off of his head. Three big furries were looking directly at him. Trent was in such fear, he couldn't move.

One of the furries, who was dressed like a fox, took his mask off, and a black guy was underneath it.

"Hey, big guy," he said. "You know I love Naruto?"

"You fuck off now, nigga," Trent yelled. "Let me go!"

The black guy signaled his friends to grab Trent's arms, and force them against the ground. Trent shook his head and screamed at them. The black guy took out a gag ball and strapped it to Trent's head, taking off his wig. The black guy smiled and began to undress Trent.

Trent screamed into the ball, not making a whole lot of noise. The black guy began to unzip his costume.

"Just to let you know," the black guy said. "I _love_ Naruto!"

Trent screamed, and the furries turned him over. Just before Trent was going to get absolutely smashed, one of the fedora kids outside was yelling.

"Everyone, attention! Everyone!"

The furries stopped what they were doing, and looked outside. Trent just stayed still.

"We're getting news in from Washington! The White House is on fire!"

"The White House?!" the furries yelled muffled under their masks. They let go of Trent, who jumped up and smashed them both against the wall.

"You stay down!" the black guy yelled.

Trent took the gag ball out. "Fuck off, mate." And he RKO'd the black guy onto the floor. Trent ran out of the bowling alley without looking behind him.

He made it to the other side of the parking lot before realizing he didn't grab his costume and was buck naked out in public. He had absolutely nothing on him, but there was no way he was going back into the bowling alley.

He stepped out onto the sidewalk and ran home as fast as he can, but a cop pulled up right next to him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the cop said.

"No no no, you don't understand!" Trent said.

"Yes I do, buddy." The cop got out, and put a pair of handcuffs on Trent.

"Please!" Trent pleaded. "I did nothing wrong!"

"Quiet!" the cop ordered, and threw Trent in the backseat. Trent remained silent for the rest of the drive; at least he was away from that fucking party.

Trent was put on a $50 bail for indecent exposure, given a jumpsuit, and thrown into the holding cell. He could fight, but he decided not to. It was for the best.

He sat in there for the rest of the night and the morning after. Sometime later that afternoon, he saw Edwin being pulled into the police station, taken into the back, and brought out a few minutes later and put into the same holding cell as Trent.

Edwin grabbed the bars and yelled. "What about my sheep? What are you going to do with my sheep?!"

"Edwin, yo," Trent said.

Edwin turned around and saw him. "Oh. Hey."

"Did you really fuck a sheep?"

Edwin was quiet. "Yeah."

"What the fuck, dude."

"What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Oh shit," Trent said. "It's a long story, dude."

A couple of hours passed. Trent and Edwin both told their stories, and sat in the cell waiting for something, anything to happen. Suddenly, Trent saw Jesse and Adam walk into the police station.

"Jesse, Adam!" he yelled. They looked over at the cell, and Trent and Edwin waved at them.

"Trent, Edwin!" Adam said. "What happened?"

"Well," Trent said. "I've been in here since early this morning. Edwin got here at, like, one. But in my defense, it's not my fault I'm here, unlike Edfag here."

"Fuck you, Trent," Edwin said. "Yo, Adam, be a buddy and bail me out."

"I can't bail you out, Edwin," Adam said. "I'm turning myself in."

"What the fuck did you do?" Edwin asked.

"Long story, but me and Jesse both did wrong things and we're paying consequences."

Jesse nodded.

Adam was able to use self-defense, and therefore, wasn't sentenced, but Jesse was. Adam stood outside the cell where three of his friends were locked up.

"Don't worry, guys," she said. "I'll do whatever I can to get you out."

"Well hurry up," Edwin said. "I know what goes on in jail."

Trent put his hand on Edwin's shoulder. Edwin quickly turned his head to him. Trent said: "Nigga, it's a joke!"

"Okay, so Edwin's on bail $200, Trent for $50, and Jesse for $1,000," Adam said. "Maybe I can get help from Ryan to get you out."  
"Just don't take too long," Edwin said.

"Take your time," Trent said.

Jesse nodded in agreement with Trent. Adam left the police station.

Jesse turned to Edwin. "Why are you here?"

"This nigga fucked a sheep," Trent said.

"What the fuck?" Jesse said.

"It's true love!" Edwin said.

"This nigga bought him from some pimp who sold off animals for sex," Trent said.

"What the fuck?" Jesse said.

"I didn't buy her; I stole her because the pot smell was killing the animals," Edwin replied.

"Fuck!" Jesse said. "That's why I'm here!"

"Wait, really?" Edwin asked.

"Yeah," Jesse said. "Me and Karl were running a pot factory at the abandoned building for the last year or so, and things went wrong and we accidentally blew it up last night."

Edwin filled with rage, and he body tackled Jesse.

"I'll kill you, you motherfucker!" he yelled.

"What the fuck?" Jesse yelled, and pushed him off.

"You almost killed my sheep!"

"Nigga," Trent said. "You didn't even know her yet. Relax, buddy."

Edwin looked at him, and got up.

"Sorry," Edwin muttered.

"Whatever," Jesse said. "Trent, why are you here?"

Trent explained his story to Jesse. A little while later, they saw Karl enter the police station. Karl immediately looked over at the cell, and didn't expect to see Trent and Edwin, so he gave them a confused smile.

"That nigga better be turning himself in," Jesse said.

Karl came out a few minutes later, and was put in the cell with his friends. He looked at Trent, Edwin, and then Jesse.

"Hi, Jesse," he said.

"Hi, Karl."

"Yo, my dick itches," Edwin said. They all looked at him, and took a step back.

 **Chapter 5: Ryan the Indie Rock Legend**

"Later faggots," Trent said, and walked with Ryan to his car.

"See ya," Adam said.

"Yo, can I get a ride?" Edwin asked her.

"Yeah, no problem."

Vince went with Braxton as usual, and Jesse went with Karl.

"Ayy, bb," Trent said to Ryan when they got inside his car. "Thanks for the lift, friendo."

"Yeah, no problem," Ryan said. Trent grabbed the handle on the roof of the car and the two drove off.

"Thanks buddy," Trent said when the car pulled up to his house.

"Yeye," Ryan said. Trent got out, and Ryan drove off. What Trent and the rest of their band, Jiter, didn't know was that Ryan had already made a name for himself in the music scene. The rest thought they were going to make it to the top together, but unbeknownst to them, Ryan already was at the top.

Ryan was always known as an absolute legend on the guitar. In high school, he had a project where he had to write a song about a certain era of history. He did so, and performed for his class with the guitar. Some of his classmates were super impressed and asked if he wanted to be in a band; Ryan agreed.

Jiter was fun and all, but Ryan preferred his other group, The Absolute Madmen, because they could actually get gigs. Jiter relied on Karl to get them gigs, but since Karl relied on unreliable stoners to help them them find venues, the plans usually fell through, and well into their first year, the public still hadn't heard Jiter's music. The Absolute Madmen, however, already sold thousands of albums and have played shows all over Los Angeles, giving Ryan enough of a profit to go straight to a university out of high school.

On this particular day, Ryan had a gig at some club on Sunset Boulevard called the Sufjan Soundstage, the holy grail for indie rock artists. Being in the heart of Hollywood, thousands of celebrities and entertainment CEOs go in and out of those doors every day. This could be Ryan's big chance to make a breakthrough.

But first, under peer pressure from his band, he took his amp to a music store to get it upgraded: now instead of going to 10, Ryan's amp can go to 11. Only storybooks and movies have talked about such a legendary musical move. But now Ryan was to be the first guitarist in independent music to have an amp that goes up one notch.

Ryan picked up his amp at the music store, and drove down to Hollywood. He sat in the corner of the green room, practicing scales and whatnot while the rest of his band were drinking and shooting up.

"Hey, Ryan," the drummer said. "I heard you got your amp bumped up to 11."

"Yeye," Ryan said.

"Well can I hear it?"

Ryan sighed. "I don't know man. I mean… 10's powerful. Maybe 11 will just be too much."

"Nah, man," the drummer replied. "Come on, let's hear it!"

"Whoa, man," the singer said, walking over. "Chill out. We should just save it for the show."

"Well, I mean-" Ryan said.

"I got this," the singer said. "This is a big deal. We'll let Ryan perform what he wants."

"Yeah, alright, I gotchu," the drummer said.

The singer gave Ryan a thumbs up, and Ryan grinned back.

The stage manager peeked his head into the door. "Absolute Madmen, you're on in five."

Ryan walked outside for some fresh air. He looked up at the sky and thought. He really didn't want an amp that goes to 11. He didn't see the point. He decided to do the best thing he could possibly do: call his guitar instructor.

When the instructor answered, he was happy to hear from Ryan. "How's college going?"

"Good, good," Ryan said. "Hey, listen. You know the band I'm in?"

"Jiter?" the instructor asked.

"No no, the other one."

"What other one?"

Ryan remembered he hadn't told anyone about his other band.

"The Absolute Madmen."

His instructor laughed on the other line. "Ryan! You're in The Absolute Madmen?"

"Yeah."

"Holy shit, that's great! I hear all about you guys!"

"Awesome. Anyway, listen," Ryan continued. "I was peer pressured into getting my amp tuned up to 11. What does this mean?"

His instructor was silent. "Ryan, that's crazy, I mean… nobody in history has done that."

"Is it a good thing, though?"

"Well…" his instructor was quiet. "It'll make history, for sure. But it's never been done; we won't know the outcome. Just proceed with caution, alright?"

"Gotcha. Thanks."

"No problem."

They hung up, Ryan took a deep breathe, and went inside.

"Ladies and gentlemen, stars and divas," the owner of the club said. "Please welcome the biggest name on the indie circuit right now, The Absolute Madmen!"

The audience burst into applause and Ryan and the rest of the Madmen walked on stage. At the drummers cue, they began with a cover of Chip Skylark's classic "My Shiny Teeth and Me."

The crowd was moshing and dancing like crazy, and it was the best performance they've had all year. Ryan thought it was going great, until he looked up and saw Adam walk in with Jarlett Scohansson. He couldn't let her see him, so he forced his head down to cover his face. Luckily, when he looked back up, she wasn't there.

Ryan felt relieved and played the song as usual. A couple of seconds later, however, he saw Adam step back out with her phone. He buried his face again, thinking she was taking a picture, but she was really going outside to answer a call. Before he knew it, the song was over, right when Adam stepped outside.

The audience burst into an applause once again.

"Let me tell you right now, folks," the singer said. "We have one of the best guitarists in the business. Please give it up for Ryan G****n."

Everyone applauded. Sitting at the back, Jarlett Scohannson perked up at the name. "Ryan G****n? Adam's friend?"

Ryan bowed to the audience.

"We are about to make history, ladies and gentlemen! Ryan is about to be the first guitarist to play with his amp tuned to 11!"

The audience gasped. Scohannson walked out from the back and looked at the stage. She gasped. "That is him! I'll have to tell Adam!"

"Ryan, if you please," the singer said. Ryan nodded nervously, and looked down at his amp. He turned it up to 11, and stood there looking at the audience, who were silent and staring at him with anticipation. He raise his guitar pick in the air, sweating, his arm shaking. Then all of a sudden, he saw Jarlett approaching the front door of the club, the one Adam just walked out of. His eyes grew big, he windmilled his arm around, and he struck the strings. After that, it was white.

When he regained consciousness in the green room. The wall leading to the stage was gone, and Ryan was thrown backward. All he heard was screaming. He forgot what even happened for a second. Then he remembered his amp was at 11, something unheard of before. He made history for sure: the great Sufjan Soundstage explosion.

He got to his feet and thought about running into the audience to save somebody, but he heard Adam screaming for Jarlett. He decided to book it out the back instead. He forced himself through the weakened wall and when he got out, half of his body was on fire. He ran in circles screaming until he remembered "stop, drop, and roll." He extinguished his body, and laid there.

He rolled over, saw Adam running away from the nightclub, and passed out.

When Ryan woke up, he was in the back of an ambulance.

"He's regained consciousness!" the paramedic yelled to the driver.

"Hang in there, Mr. G****n," somebody in the front seat said.

"Where am I?" Ryan asked.

"Going down Sunset. Don't worry, we'll be at the hospital soon."

Everything was sort of blurry until he got put in his room. He had an IV in his arm and bandages on the sections of his skin that got burned. He was able to call his parents to let them know he was alright, and that he shouldn't be in the hospital for long. The rest of his band's bodies were found in the rubble of the Sufjan Soundstage.

Ryan spent the next day laying in bed and watching Spongebob. He really wasn't feeling that much pain except for some soreness in his arms and legs. Other than that, he felt normal.

Sometime that night, Ryan got a phone call. When he checked the caller ID, it was Adam. He answered.

"What?" Ryan said on the other line, in a pained tone.

"Ryan, it's Adam," she said.

"You're not hurt, are you?" he asked.

"What? No."

"Well, good. I got half of my body burned off. I knew I shouldn't have done it…"

"Wait," Adam said. "Ryan, what are you talking about?"

"The Sufjan Soundstage," Ryan replied. "I blew it up on accident."

Adam was silent. "You… you did?"

"Yeah," Ryan said. "I'm in some hospital down here in Hollywood."

Adam was silent again. "I'll be right there." She hung up. Ryan sighed and waited for his friend to show up. He knew someone had to find out eventually, anyway.

When Adam got there, Ryan was in his hospital bed, half bandaged up.

"What were you doing there?" he said to her. "Nobody was supposed to find out."

"I was on a date," Adam said.

"With who?"

Adam looked at him. "Jarlett Scohansson."

"Stop bullshitting," Ryan said.

"No, I'm serious," Adam said. "I've been working on a secret project without any of you knowing."

"Funny," Ryan said. "I was about to say the same thing." Ryan then went on to tell his story.

After his story, Adam told hers, and they both sat in silence.

"Look," Ryan said. "I didn't see her get out. Maybe she's okay."

"Ppppttt," Adam said, not looking at him.

"I just remember whiteness, and then running, and then collapsing," Ryan explained. "There's hope."

Adam was quiet. "So you want to help me bail out the guys?"

"Well, I would," Ryan said. "But I have to pay off these medical bills, you know?"

Adam glared at him. "How much was your guitar?"

"You're not touching that shit," Ryan said.

"Fine," Adam said. "Then you're done here." Adam grabbed Ryan, unplugged him from the IV, and walked him out of the hospital.

"Nigga, I'm still burnt!" Ryan said.

"You'll be fine."

When they got to her car, Ryan began to peel off his bandages. He just had slightly redder skin.

"You don't even look any different," Adam said.

"You're wrong!" Ryan said. "I'm a monster! A double skinned freak! I'll never be able to-!" then he looked in the mirror and realised he really was fine. "Oh. You're right."

"Let's roll," Adam said, and her and Ryan drove back to the police station in Clanta Serita to rescue their friends.

 **Chapter 6: Braxton and Vince Nigger Up Washington**

"Later faggots," Trent said, and walked with Ryan to his car.

"See ya," Adam said.

"Yo, can I get a ride?" Edwin asked her.

"Yeah, no problem."

Vince went with Braxton as usual, and Jesse went with Karl.

When Braxton got into his truck, he looked over at Vince.

"Vince," he said. "i need u 2 come 2 washington wit me."

"SHIT MAN I'M DOWN" Vince replied. "WHEN?"

"nao," Braxton said, and accelerated out of the parking lot.

"NIGGA I CAN'T GO NOW," Vince said. "I GOT CLASS TOMORROW."

"relax," Braxton said. "we'll b there in 2 hours tops."

Braxton sped across the country and, sure enough, they made it to Washington D.C. in only two hours. All Braxton had to do was show Vince a Dragon Ball Z meme, and Vince was laughing the entire drive.

They got out in front of the Lincoln Memorial.

"YO BRAXTON," Vince said. "THERE'S THAT ONE GUY WHO SAVED ALL YOUR PEOPLE."

"ya," Braxton said. He took Vince to Braxton's house, which was a small apartment near his university. Braxton's family was wealthy enough that he didn't have to live on campus.

Vince walked in and immediately ran towards Braxton's computer and downloaded Final Fantasy XIV.

"yo," Braxton said. "dont make urself 2 comfterbull. I actually need u here."

"NIGGA CHILL," Vince said. "I'M JUST GONNA PLAY FOR A LITTLE WHILE."

"wutevr. Look, i gots this big invivitation to preform at, an' i need ur help."

"WHERE WE PLAYING? THE WHITE HOUSE?" Vince keked.

"yes," Braxton said.

Vince was quiet, and looked at Braxton. "NIGGA, YOU SERIOUS?"

"im always serius."

"BRAXTON, NOBODY'S EVER HEARD ME PERFORM. NOT EVEN MY MOM."

"well nao Bobama can here u preform."

Vince was quiet, and looked at the computer screen. "FUCKING AYE MAN I CAN'T DO THIS SHIT NIGGA FUCK."

"yes u can."

"I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY BEATS WITH ME NIGGA THEY'RE ON A FLASHDRIVE AT MY HOUSE."

Braxton walked across the house to a piano. He opened it, sat down, and played a scale. "we dont need ur beets."

Vince looked at him, sighed, and said: "FOR BOBAMA."

They practiced for two hours and it seemed like everything was going right. Braxton was able to match Vince's beats on the piano, and Vince was able to tune himself well enough to Braxton's playing.

"u redy?" Braxton asked.

"SHIT MAN I DUNNO," Vince replied. "THIS IS THE FUCKEN WHITE HOUSE."

"so? just pretend ur in ur room."

Braxton gave Vince a tuxedo, and Vince went in the bathroom to change. He looked at himself in the mirror.

"YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL, YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL, YOU'RE A PROFESSIONAL," he repeated. He took a deep breathe, waved his arms around, and walked out of the bathroom. Braxton was wearing a tuxedo with a red bow tie.

Vince keked. "YOU LIKE LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON."

"shut up. Lets go."

They got into Braxton's truck and drove to the White House. They pulled up to the front, and a valet took Braxton's keys.

"Mr. D**a," he said. "The President's been expecting you."

"good."

"I'll take your car. Please follow this gentlemen and he will lead you to Mr. Bobama."

He guided his hand over to another gentlemen in a tuxedo.

"Right this way, gentlemen," he said.

Braxton and Vince followed the man into the White House, which was playing classical music. Tons of people were in there, wearing the most dashing outfits money can buy, some of them past and current world leaders, like Russian president Pladimir Vutin, former presidents Cill Blinton and Beorge W. Gush, and British prime minister Bony Taire, all of whom watched Vince and Braxton walk by nodding their heads.

Vince waved politely, and then leaned towards Braxton. "NIGGA I'M OUT OF MY ELEMENT," he whispered, as quiet as Vince could whisper.

"relax, boi," Braxton whispered back. "just b urself."

They continued following the man down the hallways of the White House up towards the outside of the Oval Office.

"Mr. President is in here," the man said. "I will get your approval in just a moment."

"thnx," Braxton said.

Vince smiled at the guy, and when he walked over to a speaker by the door, Vince leaned towards Braxton again. "WE'RE GOING IN THE OVAL OFFICE?" Vince whispered.

"i guess so," Braxton said.

The man walked up to them again. "The President will be seeing you now," he said, and opened the doors to the Oval Office. Vince and Braxton slowly walked forward, and saw President Bedrock Bobama sitting behind the famous desk, talking on the phone.

"Grab a seat in the lounge chairs; he'll be right with you," the man whispered. Braxton casually walked over and slumped himself onto a chair. Vince slowly moved his feet in. The President looked Vince in the eyes, smiled, and pointed to the chair. Vince sat next to Braxton, and gripped the cushion.

"Now uuuhhhhhhh you see here!" The President said on the phone. "I am, uuuuuhhhh totally on board for uuuhhhhh starting negotiations with North Korea again."

Vince leaned into Braxton. "HE'S TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WILL BE FAMOUS IN HISTORY."

"dood, chill," Braxton said.

"MY KNEES ARE WEAK."

"act. natral."

"Uh huh," the President said on the phone. "Yeah. Uuuuuhhhhhh yes of course. We will continue tomorrow. Thank you. Bye now." He hung up the phone and stood up with a smile. "You must be Braxton D**a"

"ya," Braxton said.

"It's a pleasure to meet you at last." The President walked from behind the desk towards Braxton and gave him a handshake. "I'm President Bobama. Who's your friend?" He looked down at Vince.

"o," Braxton said. "thats ma boi Vince."

"Hello uuuuhhh Vince," The President said, and extended his hand out.

"HELLO," Vince said, and gave him a handshake. His palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy.

The President laughed. "Son," he said to Vince. "There's no need to uuuhhh be nervous around here. You're in my house, you're my guest so just be uuuuuhhhh casual."

"YEAH FORSURE SORRY NIGGA," Vince said, then he realized he called The President a nigga. "I MEAN UH MR. PRESIDENT MAN SORRY."

The President laughed again. "No problem, nigga. Me and Blinton uuuuhhhhh call each other niggas all the time.

Vince let out a nervous chuckle. Braxton was on his phone.

"Will you be uuuuhhh perfoming with uuuuhhhh Mr. D**a here?" The President asked.

"YEAH ME AND BRAXTON CAME OUT HERE FROM CALIFORNIA EARLIER TODAY MAN I'M SO PUMPED BUT NERVOUS BUT PUMPED BUT NERVOUS BUT PUMPED TO PERFORM FOR YOU AND RICHELLE BOBAMA AND THE REST OF THE LEADERS OUT THERE MAN I'M PUMPED."

"Well I'm sure you both will be great," The President said. "I'm needed out in the dining hall so uuuuuhhhhh why don't you uuuuhhhh come with me and we'll get you uuuhhhh ready to go."

"a'ight," Braxton said, and got up. Vince got up, and the three of them walked down the hall back out to the big room. Bobama told them to stay put, and he walked on stage to monstrous applause. Vince looked at the crowd. More celebrities than he could've imagined. Way-Z and Feyonce, Wanye and Dim Dardashian, Dob Bylan, Maul PcCartney, Ceorge Glooney, Stephen Smeilberg. All there for whatever this occasion was celebrating.

Vince's legs were shaking. "BRAXTON," he said. "I CAN'T DO THIS."

"ya u can, now shut up."

When the crowd calmed down, The President began to speak.

"Tonight," he said. "We are here to celebrate uuuuuhhhh creativity in youth. It was in this house almost a decade ago that uuuuhhhh Myle Kassey filmed his famed show Corey in the House and uuuuhhhhhh released it to critical acclaim. So today we uuuuhhhhh are celebrating uuuuhhhhhhh what our youth means to our culture. From Chloe Mace Goretz to Barryana Grande, Borde to Michelle Fitzgerald Weideman, our country's art scene is run by uuuuhhhh people in their teens." The audience applauded. "And tonight I'm happy to welcome two uuuuhhhh incredibly talented youths, Braxton D**a and his friend Vince."

He raised his arm to his side and welcomed Vince and Braxton on stage. The audience applauded once again. Braxton walked right up, but Vince stayed in place. Braxton grabbed his arm and pulled him up.

They stood at the top of the stage, Braxton bowed and Vince did a small one quickly, and Braxton took his seat at the piano. Vince stood there, staring into the audience, on a microphone.

Bobama walked next to Vince and put his arm around him. "What's your first song going to be?"

"UUUHHHH," Vince said. "IT'S CALLED UHMMM." He looked back at Braxton.

Braxton leaned into his piano mic. "imdabes."

"I'M DA BEST, THAT'S RIGHT," Vince said.

The audience and President Bobama applauded, and walked offstage. Braxton played the now-iconic first three notes to "imdabes." He played the intro flawlessly.

When Vince's cue came, he gulped and moved in towards the mic. "I'M DA BES. I'M DA BES. I'M DA BEEEEEEEEEEES."

He repeated those legendary words, with Braxton providing the "swag swag swag swag swag" backing vocals. Vince continued rapping the song, and the audience seemed to be nodding and getting into it. Vince looked at Wanye Kest, his biggest inspiration; Wanye was in tears. Vince's confidence grew immensely and soon his performance went from great to phenomenal. By the end of the piece, the entire audience was silently weeping, and they broke into applause after the final note.

Vince and Braxton bowed, and President Bobama came up next to them.

"Guys!" he said over the sound of the audience. "Guys, that was amazing! Well done!"

He patted Vince on the back and Vince was looking out at the audience, who were all amazed and bowing to his feet. All except for Wanye.

"Yo, Mr. President," he said. "I would just like to say… that Vince may be good. But he ain't me yet. I want to hear one more song before making a final judgement. If that's alright witchu."

"Of course, Wanye!" The President said. "Boys, take the mic."

He walked off and Vince approached the mic.

"WELL WEEZY," Vince said. "I JUST WANNA SAY THAT I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR SHIT FOR YEARS MAN I LOVE IT. GRADUATION IS MY FAVORITE ALBUM NIGGA AMAZING STUFF I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT."

The audience applauded. Wanye nodded in approval.

"SO FOR YOU," Vince continued. "I'D LIKE TO PERFORM SOMETHING INCREDIBLY PERSONAL TO ME. BRAXTON, YOU READY?"

"ya."

"KICK IT."

Braxton played a blues riff, into a solid beat. Vince put his lips on the mic, and began to rap.

"I GREW UP IN THE GHETTOS ONLY ME AND MY MAMA,

AND I WATCHED HER WHILE I GREW UP TO SUPPORT BOBAMA,

AND I WATCHED HER RAISE ME FROM YOUTH WITHOUT A DADDY,

FROM THE SLUMS TO THE SUBURBS NORTH FROM L.A'S FATTIES

I MET THIS NIGGA BRAXTON WHEN I WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH,

AND I MET SOME OTHER FRIENDS WHO WOULD HELP ME GET BY,

THIS STONER NAMED KARL AND A SINGER NAMED TRENT,

A TRANS WOMAN NAMED ADAM AND A LOSER NAMED ED

THE BASS PLAYER JESSE AND GUITARIST NAMED RYAN,

AND THESE FOOLS HELPED ME GROW AND NOW I'M STANDING HERE FLYIN',

HIGH FLYIN' HIGH HERE IN THE CAPITAL OF THE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SEE?"

Wanye bowed at his feet to Vince, and the rest of the audience began to sob. Vince knew he was in his zone known. Perhaps… too in his zone.

One lady in the back began to scream, and the rest of the audience looked up and began to shriek, as well. Vince and Braxton stopped performing and looked up. The American flag above them had caught on fire because Vince's rap was too hot for the room.

"aw fuck," Braxton said, and got up from his piano. Him and Vince ran off the stage. They looked behind them and saw the secret service escorting Bobama and his family out a secret exit. The crowds rushed out the doors, and Vince and Braxton jumped out a nearby window into the gardens. They ran to the front of the house and the whole thing was engulfed in flames.

"wrekt," Braxton said.

"HOLY FUCK," Vince said. "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?"

"who gives teh best advice?"

Vince thought. "ADAM! I'LL CALL HER! THAT BITCH WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO!"

He pulled out his phone and called Adam, but she didn't answer right away.

"FUCKING CUNT ANSWER YOUR PHONE," Vince yelled.

Finally, after a few rings, Adam answered her phone.

"Hey, Vince, what's up?"

"ADAM!" he said. "YO YO YO, LONG STORY SHORT, BUT I'M IN REAL DEEP SHIT MAN LIKE REAL DEEP SHIT OH MY GOD MAN DEEP SHIT I SWEAR SHIT."

"Whoa whoa whoa, Vince," Adam said. "Slow down. Tell me what happened."

"ALRIGHT WELL ME AND BRAXTON CAME OUT TO WASHINGTON D.C. MAN SHIT'S REALLY COOL AND ALL BUT I FUCKED UP AND RAPPED TOO GOOD AND NOW THE WHITE HOUSE IS ON FIRE."

"The White House is on fire!?" Adam yelled. Just then, Vince heard a loud boom on the other side of the call. The phone hung up.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Vince yelled.

"ayyy, lmao," Braxton said, and pointed straight. His truck was parked right in front of them.

"NIGGA WE DON'T HAVE THE KEY!" Vince said.

"i keep a spare 1 in the back." Braxton lifted a tire in the back of his truck and, sure enough, there was a key under it.

Braxton and Vince jumped into the truck and Braxton started the car.

"FLOOR IT!" Vince yelled, and Braxton slammed his foot down on the accelerator and they crashed through the White House gates, flying down the street. "SO ARE WE, LIKE, TERRORISTS NOW?"

"probs," Braxton replied. "lets just go home."

Braxton got them onto the East Freeway, and they drove straight, not looking back. They made good time; they were in Vegas in an hour. Once leaving the city, Braxton's car began to slow down and they stopped in the middle of the road.

"oops, no gas," Braxton said.

Vince got out and stormed into the desert. "FUCKING GREAT, NOW WHAT?"

"chill, yo," Braxton said. "im rich af. We'll just get plane ticketz."

"NIGGA, THERE'S NO WAY WE'RE GETTING PASSED AIRPORT SECURITY. WE'RE PROBABLY ON THE TOP OF THE FBI'S MOST WANTED NOW."

"nah," Braxton said, and he began walking back towards Vegas. Vince soon followed, and the two walked towards the glimmering city.

 **Epilogue**

Adam and Ryan were rushing down the freeway, trying to make it back to the police station to rescue their friends.

"How much do you have on you?" Adam asked.

Ryan was looking through his wallet. "I have about $600 in cash and…" He checked his bank account on his phone. "About a grand in my account. What do you have?"

"Look in my purse, my wallet's in there."

Ryan picked up Adam's purse and pulled out her wallet. There was no cash, but she had a debit card. "How much is on your card?"

"Uhhmmmm…."

"You seriously don't know?"

"I was panicking!"

Ryan looked through her wallet some more. "I see a Capital One card."

"My parents' credit card! That'll work!"

Back at the police station, Jesse and Karl were arguing in the cell.

"If you would've changed the lightbulb, we wouldn't in deep shit!" Jesse yelled.

"Well I…" Karl held out one finger and had his mouth wide open.

"Fucking Karl," Trent said. "Just admit it was your fault already."

"Me and Jesse are a team," Karl said. "We'll take the blame together."

"Oh, I know we're a team," Jesse said. "But you fucked us up!"

"I did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not."

"Did too!"

"WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?" Trent yelled. "Look, we're here until Adam and Ryan show up. Let's just at least get along."

Jesse and Karl looked at each other. Jesse was glaring, and Karl was sort of backing off. Trent looked behind him at Edwin.

"Edwin, what's up?" Trent said.

"I miss Dolly," Edwin said.

"The goat?" Karl said. "That's fucking weird."

"It's true love, dammit!" Edwin replied.

Karl leaned against the bars and looked down. "I knew true love once. There was this one time, me and that girl Ana P****r from school were-"

Suddenly, they heard a car pull up. They all leaned forward and grabbed the bars. Adam and Ryan walked in. The rest of the guys were ecstatic.

"Yo, you have the money?" Edwin asked.

"Yeye," Ryan said.

"Fuck yeah, we're getting out of here," Trent said.

Adam and Ryan walked up to the desk, but nobody was working.

"Where's the nightguard?" Adam asked.

"What nightguard?" Trent asked.

"Well… it's a prison. You need a nightguard."

"Well I guess this one doesn't have one," Trent replied.

"Why not?"

"I don't fucking know."

Adam walked over to the cell. "I guess we're all spending the night in jail."

She sat against the bars, and Ryan sat next to her. Soon, they were all sitting back to back with one another, and waited until morning.

When the sun rose, someone came to the desk and Adam used the credit card to free his friends. They were going out to celebrate with breakfast, but soon Adam got a call from Vince asking if she could pick him and Braxton up from the airport; the entire squad piled into her sedan and they drove down to LAX.

They got out and saw Braxton and Vince standing at the terminal. They all got out of the car and proceeded with a group hug.

"YO WE HAVE SUCH A CRAZY ASS FUCKING STORY TO TELL YOU," Vince said.

"Well," Trent said. "I have a crazy ass story too."

"Mine's crazier," Karl said.

"No, mine is," Adam said.

"Yo, I fell in love," Edwin said.

"I blew up a building," Ryan said.

"so did we," Braxton said.

"Alright, stop," Trent said. "We all have crazy stories. Let's just talk about this over some Everest."

They all agreed and began to walk to the airport food court. They walked passed a little girl with a Minions backpack.

"I'm fucking sick of seeing the Minions everywhere," Adam said.

"Minions are funny," Trent said. "Olaf is the annoying one."

"Olaf does shit," Ryan said. "The Minions are just annoying as fuck."

"You're wrong," Trent said. "They make me laugh."

"I like Minions," Karl said.

Edwin leaned into Adam and quoted the "I like Minions" vine. They both laughed.

"Olaf's funnier and actually does stuff to further the story," Ryan continued.

"I like Olaf," Karl said.

"Minions are funnier, though," Trent said.

They continued the debate the entire walk. The rest of the airport guests looked at them like they were stupid. But they weren't stupid; they were just a bunch of fags.


End file.
